*steps into the light*
Wow, that sure is bright....
I left this blog, cold, alone and neglected and while I have reasons (and I am certain they are good ones!) the reasons do not outweigh the fact that I left without warning or explanation. I probably worried a few people by doing so.
So... *clears thoat before proceeding*
Can everyone (anyone?) that is still actually looking here to see if I made an entry, forgive me? Does it help to admit I missed the cozy little doll-world I stepped away from that inspired this blog in the first place? Would it matter if I say all the people that I know (even in far-away flung places) were truly and terribly missed? Could it help to admit, that although I needed the time away, I still felt an ache in my heart when I thought about all my dolly friends and sorely wondered how they were doing?
Of course, I don't have these answers, but I hope that there is some measure of absolution for my abrupt departure from all the wonderful doll-people I have been acquainted with in the past. Hopefully, they will also return to this blog as I also return.
But if not, things will be as they should be.
So what happened to take me away? I hesitate to include (what I believe are) much too personal things on a blog that the whole world can peruse at their leisure... but I feel I owe at least anyone still checking up on this blog at least a little of an explanation. Many of you do not know I have a chronic debilitating condition. I usually downplay it since I do not want anyone to feel pity for me or to feel like I am seeking attention. My children call those types of online personalities 'attention whores' and while I don't actually condone the term, I know all too well that there are people on the internet that are so inwardly reflected that they cannot embrace all the blessings life has to offer them. I hope I am not one of those. I hope, even through the physical difficulties I face every day, that I can still reach out to others and that I can still embrace the beauty and blessing surrounding me. But honestly, some days it is a literal challenge to get myself out of bed. Please understand, I don't share this to engender 'oh, poor baby' thoughts or sentiments; I share this to try to illustrate that some days I find it difficult to be more than a semi-invalid in a bed. That is just reality. It is as it is, as they say. No pity, just facts.
However, I also have to confess, it was taking it's terrible toll on me. Physically, I was assaulted every day by the condition I experience. Mentally I was having a harder and harder time coming to terms with how my situation actually was rather than the life-situation that I envisioned and wanted. It came tumbling further and further into a mire after a failed surgical attempt to help the condition, after my current doctor reduced the medication dosages I was taking ( quality of life suffered dramatically from that alone!) and the accompanying number of smaller situations that changed as a result of how my condition was being managed by my physician. One of the biggest rocks to be tossed my way resulting from these things combined: the Austin Ball Joint Doll Convention that I had looked forward to for so long was going to have to be missed.
There are some other things that built to a culmination of deep grieving and sadness but the end result is that I completely left online forums and communities. Occasionally I would tap into Facebook to see how everyone was doing since I cared how everyone was faring in my self-imposed absence, but the doll boards I stayed away from. It was just too painful. It was just so hard knowing there was so much going on that I could not even be a part of-- even just participating in the strictly online-only parts because of the condition my body presents made it difficult to face it day after day. Something as simple as a swap I could only look at with yearning, since often when I wanted commit my body was being more cooperative, but then the hour or day changes and my body would just laugh and state "nuh uh, honey chil', not today you don't!"... my body is a comedian by the way. So many fun things going on I could only look at and sigh. I always have to juggle reality when I ponder getting involved with anything online. I miss a lot I would like to be a part of. It kinda sucks waxed fruit, as Robin Williams character 'Batty' from Fern Gully stated.
The biggest 'I have to miss this because my body said so' happened to be the BJDCon this year in Austin. I mean, sometimes it is hard enough coming to terms with the idea that I cannot even participate in a simple swap! Watching swaps and photo sharing was a bit hard when often I knew I couldn't participate more, but it still gave me joy to see everyone else enjoy themselves in these things despite me not being able to personally join in. If it makes me a terrible and shallow person to disclose the following, so be it. Honestly, when I finally admitted I would not be able to handle going to the Con, I didn't want to be faced with that particular loss every day I visited the board I frequent. It would hurt way too much for a freshly grieving heart. I just did not want to see all the flutter and excitement for an event that I, at one time, was supposed to be attending. Not that I wasn't happy for everyone else going; I was thrilled for all that were joining in the festivities! For myself, I just couldn't deal with losing the hope I held to be a part of it.
Oh boy, but my heart really and truly ached.
That happens sometimes when hope dies.
When hope dies a lot of other things wither under its loss. I withered. If I was a plant I would have been a wilting, browning and leaf dropping specimen. Even a lawyer would have been ashamed to have me potted in his office.
So I dropped out in misery and grief.
It took me a long time to cope with losing so much hope. I still struggle daily with the idea that I won't be able to join in with online activities when I really want to. I get so angry with myself that I cannot do those things that I find so much joy and pleasure in. Yet, I think, if I'm really honest with myself, that if I stayed I would not have been any good to anyone online. I find it very difficult to share my struggles with my online friends. I don't want to be a burden as I so often feel I am already. I did not want to taint such a beautiful community with my deep seated sorrow. So long story shortened... I left. I left without warning, notice or explanation. I am upset with the fact that I may have possibly upset a few people by my choice-- I don't like hurting anyone by my actions. Yet the fact remains if I had stayed I would have had nothing good to offer. I would have been a big wet blanket coupled with a cold freezing wind. I didn't want to be that person.
But eventually I did come to grips with the loss of attending the BJDCon. Eventually I kept creeping back to just read of the small joys and sorrows the group shared. The most odd thing about my return? I did it when the Con was being held. Purely coincidence I assure you since I had vehemently put any thought to the Con out of my thoughts. I was actually surprised when the online community I loved so well decided to hold a virtual convention for all the people that could not, for some reason or another, attend.
I'm so glad I came back. It was like a breath of life into the small dark place left in my heart. I found joy when I returned. I found compassion when I returned. You know what? I also found a place I thought I had lost, a home. A home filled with like-minded, playful and joyful individuals, so overflowing with support and fun I pondered how I even could have left. Of course I knew why I had left and I knew it needed to be done but I wonder now if I had decided to stick around if I would have found healing sooner through the interactions with the people populating this online haven. I suppose I won't ever know and truly to speculate would be crazy making to say the least. So I just sit here and accept things as they are; accept the choice I made to remove myself from this cozy place. I've learned in life to carry no regrets. It doesn't do any good to dwell on could haves, should haves. It is better to simply accept one's choices and move on.
Still, I am sorry if I hurt anyone with that choice. I did not mean to cause anyone any worry or upset. I needed to do what I did despite that my choice could have seemed cold and uncaring to some. It was not ever intended to be that.
All I can hope is that I am offered amnesty. All I can hope is that anyone that remembers me, remembers me with fondness. All I can hope is that arms are wide open and the words 'Welcome back home' flowing from collected lips. So far, it seems like that is the sentiment I am finding. That just shows you how very special this online community is. No wonder I call it a home.
Time to change gears for a bit.
New entry, same blog post. It has to do with owls. It also has to do with the entity named Firefly Radio One. If anyone is not yet already familiar with FFROne, either you are in for a treat or you'll just shake your head in confusion.
Firefly Radio One is the incarnation of an ongoing series of radio programs heard, by yours truly, from the realm of fae.
Now some may argue I just have a really good imagination (most likely!) or some could actually say that I really can hear the tiny whispers of a radio station in Otherland. This 'station' is heard more strongly in the presence of faeries of any sort, more particularly in the presence of Firefly Faerie bjds.
The Fiefly Faeries are a series of glowing bjds created by doll artist Charles Creature Cabinet featuring primarily fae of all sorts. The dolls themselves can be a little kicky in their stringing, partly due to the way their joints are constructed, but there is something just completely endearing about these dolls that can only be expressed with a certain amount of affection and awe.
And so, I relate any music or programs I hear through this blog and on the Resin Cafe doll forum for anyone interested in such other-worldly programming. I was blessed to hear a rather odd program after one of the ladies told an owl story (her alias is 'argentto' on the Resin Cafe and she is just a hoot!-- see how I threw in an owl reference already? I'm silly like that and as such it is often reflected in the radio programming that filters into my ears from FFROne. Lots of silliness as the next bit of programming attests to.)
So argentto related a story which I will post here verbatim.
As told to the Resin Cafe by argentto via the Firefly Faerie thread:
"I heard this HORRIBLE screaming/screeching cry of distress one morning and looked up in a tree to see a WOODPECKER being clutched by an owl.
The woodpecker was twice the size of the owl, but had to really struggle to escape.
My guess is the woodpecker picked the wrong tree to uh...peck LOL
Owl did not appreciate the wake up."
So Firefly Radio One decided to filter through and this is what I heard...
oddly enough it seemed related to argentto's owl tale:
Mr. Owl: Whooooo's that rap-tap-tapping at my home portal?
You've woken me up! (All he hears is a chortle.)
Jaunty Woodpecker: 'Wood' it be wrong to not respond to that query?
The 'who' of the rapping would make you quite leery!
Irate Mr. Owl: I give a hoot about such discourtesy!
Whooo is that hammering at my wood'd entry?!
Taunting Woodpecker: Why, it is a beefy lumberjack, you see!
It is him knockin' boisterously at your hollow tree!
Disconcerted Mr. Owl: Oh no! What a unexpected scare!
That burly lumberjack will knock down my lair!!
Amused Woodpecker (to himself): Tee hee hee! I'm such a card!
That blockhead owl has fallen for my joke really hard!
Mr. Owl swoops from nest to quickly break free,
thinking to escape the imminent destruction of his tree...
Yet, 'pon discovering a chuckling red-headed woodpecker near,
he grows rather angry, owl has no more fear!
Lo and behold, there is no lumberjack there,
it is the red-headed trickster that has disturbed him so unfair!
Tickled-Pink Woodpecker knows not the trouble he has caused,
until he feels sharp-pin points that give his laughter dramatic pause!
Screeching in dismay, the woodpecker is no longer bellowing his amused guffaws...
especially grasped in the sharp talons of Terrible Mr. Owl's claws!
Crying in protest Alarmed Woodpecker cries:
I hope you can forgive the playful intent of my lies!
Triumphant Mr. Owl: Ho, ho, ho! You think I will go lightly?
Your fib had me scared that I rushed from my bed sprightly!
Unfortunately, this tale did not have the 'happily ever after' in the end...
The sad truth is too gruesome into your ear bend.
Needless to say Mr. Owl was now Mr. Owl Vindicated.
And well, Cry-Wolf Woodpecker? Mr. Owl's Mute*-Constipated.
*a mute, for those unaware, is the polite term for raptor poo, which includes owls, just thought I'd share.
This is the kind of thing that filters through FFROne, although sometimes there are more sentimental offerings.
So with this long and lengthy post I will close with a fond adieu. Maybe, just perhaps if I am lucky, I will see you again?
With hope, joy and laughter to each and every one of you, ciao!
© 2014 Nin LaCafta/The Pneuma SphereTM